Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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