you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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