i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
