The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
