im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
