Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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