this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
