All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
