so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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