Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
