Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
