First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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