Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
