I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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