In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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