I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
