I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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