We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
