oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
