Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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