I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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