Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
