He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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