i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
