I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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