Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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