I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
