if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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