I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I enjoy the company of your penis
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
