I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
