You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
