The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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