I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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