I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
