Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
