He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you win again, gameday.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
