The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Someone signed my nipple.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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