I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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