and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
