dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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