when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
