I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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