I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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