god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I accidentally burped into my bong.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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