You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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