Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
