all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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