I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
