She's JV to your varsity
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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