the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
