my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
