you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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