Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
