Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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